Author John Green communicates so clearly how I felt when I was writing this post. Here is an excerpt from Green's The Fault in Our Stars that communicates how I felt so clearly:
"...the
waves tossing me against the rocks then pulling me back out to sea so
they could launch me again into the jagged face of the cliff, leaving me
floating face-up on the water, undrowned."
The following is a post I wrote on November 10, 2013. As I was reading back through it, I wanted to re-post it for a few reasons. First, I know there are lots of people out there struggling with the same thing I was struggling with at this point in time, but I want them to know that things get better and time often does bring healing. Second, I have experienced firsthand that God's ultimate plan is so much more wonderful and amazing than the plans we think we have for ourselves and those close to us.
Friends, the dark times are few in life. I am learning to trust God more than ever.
"There is a crack in everything...it's how the light gets in."
-Leonard Cohen
***
Sunday, November 10, 2013
When people ask me what I do for a living, I tell them I teach in the
English departments at Indiana University South Bend and Indiana Tech by
day, but by night...I'm a writer. What I mean when I say that is that
writing is what I identify with. It's who I am. It's not only what I
do but it's how I express myself, and every poem or piece I write
contains a piece of me. I'm an introvert, and it isn't easy for me (or
any introvert, for that matter) to express myself to other people, but
through writing, I feel like I can do almost anything. It's the way I
cope with and see the world. It's a part of me.
And this is why I'm writing today. My heart has been so heavy lately
and I finally asked myself why I haven't been writing it all out. After
all, it's my coping mechanism. Lately, I can't help but feel like I'm
on edge...like I'm expecting something bad to happen. Like the world
isn't fair. Like I've been cheated.
I know so many people are going through so many horrible and devastating
things in their lives right now. I know that, in the grand scheme of
things, I have no right to complain about my life. But I'm going to put
all this out there with the hope that it will help me see some
positivity and light in situations that I have felt very sad about. I
know God can bring us through something terrible and show us something
brilliant in the end. He's done it before, and I'm trying to remember
that he's working now.
When I was 17 years old, my father almost died in a serious accident -
an accident that my then 9-year-old brother witnessed. As you can
guess, I coped with the situation of watching my once strong father
deteriorate both physically and mentally and my young, sweet brother's
brain affected by the horrors of trauma by writing. The doctors gave my
father a 1% chance of survival, but God brought us through that and he
survived. But nothing has ever been the same. My dad just had his
third spinal surgery this past Monday, 7 years after the original
accident and he continues to struggle with a multitude of health
issues. My father survived the unsurvivable, and I thank God every
single day that we still have him with us. But why do things like that
have to happen to begin with? Why did my sweet brother have to struggle
through years of reliving that trauma? Why did we all have to watch my
father spend months in the hospital in rehabilitation for a broken
neck, back, and traumatic brain injury? Why do we have to watch him
suffer through epilepsy?
I often think of my father when I think of what happened with my
grandmother this past summer. My grandmother was an amazing woman and
one of my most precious friends in the whole world. I could tell her
anything. She had been sick for quite some time, and on July 31st,
2013, she passed away in the same hospital my dad was in when he had his
accident, just a few rooms away from where we watched over him and
prayed for healing in 2006. It wasn't one of those situations where the
hospital called to tell us that she had passed. As a family, we had to
make the decision to stop life support. We arrived at the hospital
around 9:30pm on the 30th and she was taken off life support shortly
after. What followed was an excruciating night of watching my
grandmother's vitals slowly drop off until she stopped breathing around
5:35 early the following morning. I held her hand and was surrounded by
my mother, my uncle, my husband, and my brother (the same one that
witnessed my dad's accident). It was one of the most awful experiences
of my life. Nobody should ever have to see anything like that and,
honestly, I don't think I've fully coped with it yet. I keep telling
myself that I'm too young to already have a grandparent gone. My
grandma Nancy was the best grandma in the world. I miss her. I miss
her stories. I miss our talks. I just wish I had had more time with
her.
There are very few people I can truly talk to in this world (one of the
side effects of being an introvert). But there are/were always three
people I could count on - my husband, my grandma, and my best friend,
Dee. Dee and I grew up together. We went to college together, roomed
together for four years in college, and moved in together after we
graduated. We have been through it all together. We have taken the
most amazing trips together. She was the maid of honor in my wedding.
She is more than a friend, she is my sister. And this past year has
been heartbreaking for her. In April, she was diagnosed with a brain
tumor. She had three major brain surgeries in the months of April and
May to alleviate pressure and remove the portions of the tumor they
could get to, but her prognosis is not what we were all hoping for. I
can't possibly imagine what she is feeling through all this, but her
strength has been absolutely astonishing. Her faith in God has not
wavered once. In fact, her reliance on and faith in God has grown
through this. I wish I could grasp that level of faith. I desperately
pray for God to take away her illness, to make her well again, to let
her have her old life back. It's the same desperation I felt with my
dad and my grandma. That selfish desperation that something is being
taken away from me. My heart breaks daily when I think of what has
happened to her.
But when did I stop believing in God's plan and have more faith in my
own? When did I stop fully trusting him and his ultimate plan? God
wasn't surprised by any of the things that have happened in my life.
He's got it under control. He loves me and he loves my dad, my grandma,
and Dee.
So how can I get that faith back? That trust? How can I stop feeling
like everything that matters to me in this world will be taken away by
illness, accidents, etc?
***
I'm glad I'm not in this same place anymore. I thank God for continuing to teach me how to have faith and trust in Him.
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