My Week at LIFE 2016

Last week, I attended the Life 2016 conference in Kansas City, MO, with the high school students in our youth group at First Alliance Church along with my husband (who was just promoted to the Director of Student Ministries at our church!) and Alec, the summer youth intern. We shared a bus on the way down and back with the high school youth group from Westgate Chapel, another local church.

When Justin started his first ministry position at St. Paul's, I was in between jobs (we had just moved from Indiana to Ohio) and I hadn't started school yet at Bowling Green. Because of this, I was able to be very involved, attending youth group every Wednesday, leading a small group, helping coordinate fundraising events, and going on the annual mission trip. However, once Justin started his new job, I was in the middle of a busy semester at Bowling Green, teaching, grading, going to class, and studying every single day. Because of this, I didn't actually get to meet or get to know the students in the youth group until a camping trip over Memorial Day this past May (Justin started the job in February).

When Justin asked me to go on this trip as a leader back in March, I tentatively said "yes." I knew I would be taking summer school and that I would need to get a summer job, so I wasn't sure if I would be able to go. About a week before the trip, anxiety began to set in. I had a lot of work to keep up with for my summer school class, the students didn't really know me, I committed to helping a family with childcare for the summer, and my best friend's health was fading fast and I was uncomfortable being so far away from her (for more on this story, see this blog post: Still Perfect).

But despite the anxiety creeping in, I accompanied our group to Kansas City on July 5th. The bus ride down was a combination of movie-watching, sleeping, listening to music, and talking. Our bus had some issues and we had to switch to a new bus, so that put us behind in getting to the hotel before the first session of the week began. Because of this, we all ate pizza as fast as we could on the bus, getting to the session so late that we had to sit on the floor at the convention center. However, despite the rush and being in the very back of the auditorium, we had a great first night of praise and worship. We got to listen to Francis Chan speak. FRANCIS CHAN! I read his book Crazy Love at a Bible study I was in in college and I LOVED it, so it was an amazing experience to hear him in person for the first two days of the conference.

I ended up having to stay at the hotel during a couple of the sessions throughout the week so I could get my homework done, but it got done! I was concerned going into the trip that I was going to fall behind in my class, but God gave me opportunities to stay caught up and get my work done.

Our days were pretty structured at the conference. I shared a room with the three female students that went on the trip and we hosted breakfast for the whole group at 7:00 each morning. Since all of us had to get ready, this meant getting up very early and getting breakfast out and ready for everyone. We were on the bus at 8:00 to get to the conference center for the first main session of the day - worship and listening to a speaker (like Francis Chan and Jefferson Bethke). Then we went to our first seminar of the day followed by the second seminar and then lunch. After lunch was free time, which usually involved heading back to the hotel to swim. On one day, we all went to the mall that was attached to the hotel and took photos outside by the fountains. On our last day, we went back to the mall and had pizza and ice cream together for dinner. During the other days, we would be back on the bus by 4:00 to get to the convention center for dinner, followed by free time (this involved a variety of things at the convention center - archery tag, frisbee, and other group activities). Afterward, we had our final main session of the day with more worship and another speaker followed by small group time where we would pray and chat about our thoughts from the day. Then we all went to the block party downtown until 10:15 where there was live music and games. Then it was back to the hotel for sleep and to do it all over again the next day.

It was an exhausting trip, but one that helped me get to know and bond with the students and grow closer to God. The seminar that stands out to me the most is one that was given by Dr. Amy Davis Abdallah. She has a PhD and teaches theology and Bible at Nyack College in New York, so I felt like I could relate well to her situation. She talked about the value of being a woman and that being a woman is a privilege to be proud of. We are all made in God's image! (It all reminded me of a recent blog post I wrote. Check it out here: Women and the Church). I bought her book, The Book of Womanhood, and I can't wait to start reading it.

During our small group time one evening, Justin and I got to share with the group about my best friend and her health and the anxiety I was feeling about the situation. I also talked a bit about how nervous I was going into the trip about being able to stay caught up in my summer school class. I think the main thing God shared with me on this trip is that I need to trust him. I admit that I am a "worrier" and I often get anxious about the future and things that are completely out of my control. There were several of those anxieties going through my mind on this trip that were distracting me from what God had for me, but I heard him through the chaos. He is faithful. He will take care of me. He knows my future. He knows the big picture. His plans are better than mine. Period.

Cohen's mother kept me updated consistently while I was on this trip. I spent time working on my schoolwork. I got to know the students. God took care of every issue I was concerned about going into Life 2016.

He is good. He is faithful.

I am truly blessed for having been able to go on this trip.

Justin and I in downtown Kansas City after the first evening main session.

The First Alliance Church group.

The girls of the First Alliance crew.

The group at the photo booth during free time.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

-Matthew 6:25-34

Women and the Church

Disclaimer: These are my own thoughts and opinions and are not tied to any one particular person/group of people, congregation, church, etc.

I grew up in a tight-knit family as the only girl in between an older brother and a younger brother. My father was a pilot and was away from home a lot, but when he was home, he spent all the time he could with my brothers and I. Growing up in Iowa, my dad spent his summers teaching us how to be strong, hard-working, and determined. My dad never looked at me as being different than my brothers; he would suit me up in catcher's gear and teach me how to catch a softball without flinching. He played soccer with me in the yard. When I wanted to try out for the tennis team, he waited for me in the car every day after school with a snack and a bottle of water and we would go practice at the local courts. When I wanted to play hockey, my parents signed me up and didn't care that I was the only girl on the team. When I only wanted to wear t-shirts and jean shorts and play in the dirt, they didn't think twice. When I asked my dad for a pro skateboard as a high school graduation present, he happily presented me with one. To my dad, I was no different than my brothers. I was just another one of his kids.

(From left) My older brother, Brandon, my younger brother, Tyler, and me around 1999.

My mother raised me to be fierce and independent. When my dad and brothers were off hunting (this was never something I was really interested in, not something I was excluded from because of my gender), she would read to me and teach me. She would tell me over and over again that she never got the opportunity to get a college degree, but that she wanted me to go after my goals with tenacity and determination. Her greatest wish for me was to grow up and be a strong person who could take care of myself without needing to be dependent on another person. She instilled this in me over and over again.

My parents didn't apply a "gender" to my hopes and dreams and the life I wanted for myself. My goals were just that - goals. It didn't matter that I was a young woman in a family of boys. They taught me that I could do anything and be anything.

I am also a woman of faith. My relationship with God is the foundation of my life, and I look to him for every decision I make in life. 

Now, as a student, teacher, and scholar pursuing a PhD, I realize how complicated my identity is. On one hand, I am a Christian woman who is married to a youth director, a man who has made a career out of ministry. On the other hand, I am a scholar who is serious about education and creating a successful career for myself in academia. I also have an identity as a daughter, a wife, a writer, and, dare I say it, a feminist. 

I feel like I need to take a moment to define feminism as I see it. I am a feminist because I believe that women should have the freedom to choose the path for their lives that they desire. This can be anything - a stay-at-home mother, a doctor, a scientist, a pilot, a teacher, etc., etc. A woman has the right to decide what she wants to do with her life and it shouldn't be decided for her by society because of outdated traditions or patriarchal oppression. Secondly, men and women should be treated as equals. God created us all, and people have been using religion for too long to make women inferior and to prevent them from reaching their full potential. Women are beautiful, creative, intelligent, and fierce beings, and they deserve to be paid the same amount as a man for doing the same job. Women should hold positions in politics. Women need to be listened to and need to be considered on a level playing field.

Now, as I stated before, my identity proves to be a bit complicated when it comes to the church. In my experiences, women are happily accepted and praised in the church...but only if they fulfill a certain role. Many of the women in churches that I have met are uneducated, have several children, and care for the home while their husbands work. (As I said before, I have no problem with this if it is a role that the woman chose for herself rather than a role she took on because she felt pressure from tradition, her parents, her husband, or the church). However, while this type of woman is loved by the church, women like me are often seen as going against "God's intention for women."

I have a huge problem with this. Actually, many people in the church often can't comprehend a woman who is outside what they see as traditional Christian wife-hood and motherhood. 

I get asked all kinds of misogynistic (and very personal) questions from men and women alike in the church. For example, I have a tattoo of a typewriter on my left arm, which represents my love for writing and poetry and also my role as a scholar in the field of English. A woman from a church once approached me and asked if I was a secretary, as if that was the only reasonable explanation that a young woman such as myself would have for having a typewriter tattooed on her body. It was as if my hard work and years of schooling through my bachelor's, master's, and doctoral degrees has gotten me nowhere and that it will never be possible to transcend the oppression women face daily. I see this misogyny every day in the world, but why is it so rampant in the church? Why are women in the church stuck in the "care" positions as nursery workers and children's directors? Why do churches not ask women to be elders? Why does my gender limit me in a place where they teach that God accepts and loves everyone as they are? I'm sure this woman did not have bad intentions, she is just the result of traditions that teach that women belong in particular roles.

Once during a conversation with some people from a church (both men and women), one of the pastor's wives was talking about her education and her focus during her graduate studies. A man involved in the conversation responded by saying with a laugh, "So basically you have a degree in being a pastor's wife." I seemed to be the only one offended by this comment, but I was appalled. Not only was he completely downplaying this intelligent and successful woman's education and achievements through earning a master's degree, but he was only giving her an identity through her husband. To him, her education didn't matter and she wasn't an individual - she only had meaning through her husband and his role as a pastor. To him, this woman's only role was to support her husband in his endeavors. Her accomplishments weren't even considered.

My last name is often confusing and complicated for people, as well. My name is legally hyphenated, but professionally (at school, teaching, and in my publications) I use the name I was born with. I was given this name by my family; it is important to me and I have a strong connection to it. It's part of who I am. I received my undergraduate and graduate degrees under that name. I'm not upset when someone refers to me by my husband's last name because I love my husband and like knowing that people see us as a unified team. However, I also feel like it diminishes my identity and the way I choose to identify myself. People don't ask a woman what her last name is; they assume it is their husband's last name because that's what patriarchal society has taught us our whole lives. But there's more to my identity than my husband's last name. I kept my last name because I'm attached to it and because it is my connection to my family. I didn't become a new person when I married my husband. I gained a life partner, but I'm still the same Kristin. I appreciate my husband in so many ways, and one way is that he honored my decision to keep my last name when we got married and even offered to hyphenate his. My individual identity matters to him. My family matters to him. My husband doesn't view me or anything else through a patriarchal lens. Women in the church don't often keep their own names when they get married, and if they do, it's met with confusion and judgement. This shouldn't be the case; it should be the woman's choice to choose freely without judgement.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I want to feel comfortable in church. I want my identity to be mine alone, not an identity that is based only on the fact that I have a husband. I love and adore my husband and he is one of the greatest blessings in my life, but he is not the source of my identity, God is. God created me, God guides my steps, and God creates the path for my life. And God brought me to where I am now in my life - a married, 27-year-old, childless woman who is still in school. And I am happy. I am so happy because God has brought me here. God created me to value education, to have a desire to teach and create, and to enjoy my marriage and spend time with my husband one-on-one. I'm no stranger to the weird looks people give me when they find out my husband and I have been married for almost four years and have no children. The looks and personal questions I get are hurtful. Since when is it okay for other people to inquire about my body?

It is unreasonable to think that all women have the time, money, or resources to be home with children all the time in contemporary society. According to the United States Department of Labor, 57% of women in the U.S. are employed and 70% of women with children are working mothers. Working is inevitable - the cost of living is always increasing, and women want to be able to give themselves (and their children, if they have them) a good life. Many of these women are attending or have attended college to educate themselves for the job they want. According to a 2014 article by the Washington Post, "For 35 years, women have outnumbered men in American colleges. Federal data show that female students became the majority in 1979 and for the past decade have accounted for about 57 percent of enrollment at degree-granting institutions." Despite these statistics, during the fall semester at my campus, there was a group of Christian men with demeaning signs that said "God's Role for Women" with a list of qualities. I've included an actual photo of the "protest" below that was taken by one of my classmates on Bowling Green's campus.

In case you are having a hard time reading it, it says the following:

God's Role for Women
Submission - Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. (Eph. 5:22)
Motherhood - Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety. (1 Tim. 2:15)
Keepers at Home - The young women are to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children. To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. (Titus 2:4-5)
Quietness - A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet. (1 Tim. 2:11-12)
Beauty - Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. (Pro. 31:30)

This sign was on my college campus and these things were encouraged by a group of Christian men! To say I was shocked and astonished is an understatement. I am not a theologian, nor do I know every verse of the Bible and its intended usage, but to see men of faith at my college campus discouraging women from achievement and education was a tragedy. We are on the same side - we all love God and want his will for our lives. I know God has called me to pursue my education at Bowling Green and I know he has called me to teach college students, so how can these men who know nothing about me or my relationship with Christ stand there and tell me what God has planned for me? The sexism, misogyny, and oppression facing women in the church is great. Is this what Christian men want for their daughters - to have them do nothing more than marry, procreate, and care for the home? How could these men use God's word, something holy and sacred, to make me feel lesser, like something inferior? What would these men think of me if they really knew me - a woman who is pursuing a higher education, who has always worked outside the home, who has no children, and who kept her maiden name? Why should these choices define me? Why should my gender determine my worth?

Roxane Gay, an author, professor, and feminist, wrote a book called Bad Feminist which is a collection of essays on race, gender, politics, and society. In an essay titled "Bad Feminist: Take One," Gay writes,

"This tension--the idea that there is a right way to be a woman, a right way to be the most essential woman--is ongoing and pervasive. We see this tension in socially dictated beauty standards--the right way to be a woman is to be thin, to wear makeup, to wear the right kind of clothes (not too slutty, not too prudish--show a little leg, ladies), and so on. Good women are charming, polite, and unobtrusive. Good women work but are content to earn 77 percent of what men earn or, depending on whom you ask, good women bear children and stay home to raise those children without complaint. Good women are modest, chaste, pious, submissive. Women who don't adhere to these standards are the fallen, the undesirable; they are bad women" (303-304).

This is society's view of what is necessary in order for a woman to be labeled as "good," but I would also argue that this view is even more strict in the church. In a place where women (and people in general) go to feel loved and accepted, they are met with judgement and a harsh set of qualities and characteristics a woman must have in order to be "good." The bottom line is that men and women are different, and if we cut women out of the equation when it comes to church leadership, ministry, and responsibilities other than those in children's ministry, everyone is missing out. Women have a lot to bring to the table and, I feel like it needs to be said, we are valuable beyond our reproductive potential. Women throughout the Bible (Ruth, Esther, Judith, etc.) have done some pretty incredible things, and God chose them and orchestrated their journeys. Why can't he choose us too? Why aren't we being listened to?

As Gay points out, there is no right or wrong way to be a feminist. She states,

"Essential feminism suggests anger, humorlessness, militancy, unwavering principles, and a prescribed set of rules for how to be a proper feminist woman...[to] hate pornography, unilaterally decry the objectification of women, don't cater to the male gaze, hate men, hate sex, focus on career, don't shave. I kid, mostly, with that last one. This is nowhere near an accurate description of feminism, but the movement has been warped by misperception for so long that even people who should know better have bought into this essential image of feminism" (304).

No one is a perfect feminist, and feminism isn't about "hating men" or only "focusing on a career." My family and husband are my greatest blessings. I love my husband, and if I had children, I would love them too. Feminism isn't about one or the other, it's about being able to have both a family and a career if a woman chooses to and to be able to choose a lifestyle without judgement. Women should receive equal pay and should receive equal help from their partner in household tasks. Women should be in leadership positions in the church. Women are fierce warriors for God. Women make up a large percentage of the workforce and make up the majority of college students. Women are going places and are changing the world.

Instead of being looked at as an anomaly in the church, I want to be seen as an individual with leadership potential. Gender should not be part of the equation. Women in the church need to know that feminism is fighting for them to be able to choose the life they desire without fear of judgement. If the church doesn't get on board, women outside the traditional "role" will continue to feel ostracized and will leave the church, and everyone misses out when women aren't included in the conversation. 

Tyler + Jodie - Photo Shoot

A little over a year ago, I took my little brother's senior photos as he was about to graduate from high school. A month after that, I took photos for him and his girlfriend before they went off to their senior prom. This past week, I did a couples' portrait session with them as they both just wrapped up their freshman years of college. Time goes fast.

I spent this past week in Indiana visiting my family and Tyler and Jodie wanted me to do a photo shoot with them, so we walked around downtown and through Center Lake Park (on a very hot day) near the same place where I had taken their prom photos the year before. I just got a new camera, so it was a great time to give it a trial run! I love the results (and some of the filters/editing techniques I'm trying out), and I love these two people even more.

Tyler + Jodie

Do you live in northwest Ohio and are interested in a photo shoot? Check out my website and contact me!

LaFollette-Samson Photography

Journey to Graduation

When I met Justin in 2009, he was a junior in college (I was a sophomore) struggling to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. He had changed his major a couple of times at that point, but always felt in limbo - nothing seemed like the right fit. He started out as a pre-veterinary medicine major and then switched to chemistry, and that's what he was studying when I met him. He was a part-time student, fighting to maintain his grades while working a lot. He had just lost his job right before we met and was trying frantically to find a job so he could maintain bills and the rent he shared with a friend.

The following school year, Justin got sick and had five consecutive surgeries which resulted in him taking the fall semester off. He dropped his classes and focused on his recovery. During his time off, he considered applying to a different school to major in youth ministry. Several mentors steered him away from this and encouraged him to pursue an area of study as a "backup plan" in case ministry jobs weren't available. After much thought, council, and consideration of his interests, he started the spring semester as a psychology major with a minor in religious studies. He was still part-time, but he was hooked on psychology. He had finally found his niche.

A couple semesters later, he started back again full-time. He had a lot of catching up to do since he had changed his major several times and was going part-time for awhile, but he kept with it. I graduated with my undergrad and started grad school in 2011, and Justin started work on his final research projects to complete his psychology degree. We got engaged in August 2011 and got married in October 2012, right before I was about to graduate from grad school and Justin was about to graduate with his undergrad. During the time leading up to our graduation, we planned a wedding, remodeled an apartment, went to school full-time, and worked. It was a whirlwind, but our graduations in May 2013 made it all so worth it. We graduated from the same university, and during the ceremony, they made a special announcement that we were graduating as husband and wife.

After years of grappling with illness and life changes, Justin accomplished his goal and graduated with a Bachelor of Arts degree in psychology and religious studies.

Justin and I at Notre Dame's Joyce Center for Indiana University South Bend's 2013 graduation ceremony.

Justin always wanted to pursue his master's in ministry or theology, but married life kicked in and we had bills to pay. He took a job as a customer service representative in the call center of an RV manufacturing company and worked a lot for little pay. It was a summer position and once the summer was over, the same company hired him on as a purchasing agent. He was restless in the job and knew he was meant to be working in ministry, but he didn't have any leads and didn't receive responses to the jobs he applied to. He decided to apply to Bethel College's Masters in Ministries program to start in spring 2014. He was accepted and was very excited to start. Justin's journey through his master's program was not without its difficulties. He broke his arm and was in a full-arm cast during his first class at Bethel. Oh, and we moved states in the middle of his program.

Poor guy couldn't type any of his assignments for school.

During all this, I was teaching at IU South Bend. The threat of not getting classes to teach because of being an adjunct instructor and a desire to go back to school led me to apply to Bowling Green State University's PhD in English program during the summer 2014. In anticipation of my acceptance, Justin applied to a job in Ohio and got the job. We moved to Ohio in November 2014. Justin did not want to transfer from Bethel because of issues with transfer credits, but his new employer supported his education (at first) and encouraged him to continue his studies at Bethel. It wasn't easy, but we made it work. Justin traveled a lot and spent many late nights working on homework. He was gone quite a bit and would stay with his parents in Indiana when he had class. His new employer decided he didn't like Justin being in grad school, so Justin faced a lot of push-back each time he would need to leave for school or do homework. He burned every vacation day he had attempting to please his employer and still attend grad school. (Thankfully he is at a much more supportive job now!)

When Justin started the new job in Ohio, he had three semesters left of his grad program. This past weekend, HE GRADUATED!!! Despite all the travel, the late nights, and the sacrificed time, he did it. I'm one proud wife.

We definitely celebrated the occasion. A week before the graduation ceremony, some wonderful friends of ours threw Justin a graduation party at their home here in Ohio. It was great to celebrate with friends and family.

Justin and I with Kirk and Heather at his "Ohio grad party." They were wonderful hosts!

The following Friday, we had a get-together with friends in Indiana at one of our favorite restaurants (where we also had the rehearsal dinner for our wedding!). It was like looking at a timeline of our lives - we had students there from each of the youth groups Justin had been involved with, students who we have mentored and who have shared meals with us in our home and who have done Bible studies with us. We had friends there who we shared life with when Justin and I lived at the Impact Campus House for two years before moving to Ohio. It was a great time of fellowship celebrating Justin's graduation.

Justin with some of our Impact friends at his "Indiana grad party."

The following day was Justin's graduation ceremony. Justin's parents and brother came and my parents came. It was an awesome, emotional ceremony and we were all so proud of the dedication Justin had in completing his master's through plenty of adversity.

The graduate - Justin A. Samson, M.Min.

He did it, he got his master's degree!

We had a great weekend celebrating his accomplishments. I'm so excited to see where his education takes him and how it helps him become a better youth and ministry leader. He has come a long way and I am so proud to be Justin's wife.

As a side note, I just finished the first year of my doctoral program at Bowling Green State University. It feels good to be a second-year student now!

New Stuff from a Writer/Poet/Teacher/Scholar/Human Being

Some new art and poetry publications, along with some exciting presentations coming up.

I have two poems in the latest issue of West Trade Review, Volume 7 (Spring 2016).  You can order a copy of the issue here.

My artwork featured in Volume 8 of Plath Profiles:  An Interdisciplinary Journal for Sylvia Plath Studies.  See the entire issue here.

I have two poems in the most recent edition (Volume 4 Issue 1) of Vagabonds:  Anthology of the Mad Ones.  You can read the entire issue online by following this link.

On April 23rd, I'm presenting some archival research along with some of my classmates at the College English Association of Ohio Conference at Kent State University.  I'm also presenting with two of my classmates at the Scholarship of Teaching and Learning Academy Conference, which takes place at the University of Findlay on May 16th and 17th.  I'm excited to be presenting on my thesis project from graduate school, its interdisciplinarity, and navigating the student-teacher-scholar role as a graduate student.

I also have some artwork forthcoming from Spry Literary Magazine and a work of narrative collage forthcoming from Two Cities Review.  Stay tuned!

And here is a parting collage:

The duality of identity?  I worked on this collage over spring break - it contains lines from a poem that was originally published in FIVE2ONE Magazine, Issue 7 (Summer 2014).

Written in Ink

As a writer and an artist, I appreciate all things creative.  Tattoos are a form of art I've always been interested in, and I've even designed a couple for my best friend, Cohen (a "tree of life" tattoo she got on her foot and an ichthus tattoo with a bible verse she got on her wrist).  I think tattoos are a great channel for artistic expression, but I think tattoos should represent something meaningful and important since they are permanently fixed on the body.  I have a some ink that I am proud of and that I put a lot of thought into, so I wanted to write a little bit about my tattoos and the meaning behind them.

I got my first tattoo during spring break of my senior year of college.  My best friend, Cohen, and I were traveling to New Bern, North Carolina, to visit some friends of ours.  We planned to get our tattoos together during the trip and had been planning ahead for awhile.

I got this one at Bombs Away Tattoo in Jacksonville, North Carolina.

When I was a freshman in college, I had the opportunity to go with my college bible study on a mission trip to Panama City Beach, Florida, during spring break.  We went with a group from Ball State University, and they had a pastor with them named Chris.  I was with Chris's group for most of the week (along with some other students from my group), and I was continually challenged by his faith.  A former atheist, Chris was able to connect with and minister to people in Panama City in a way I couldn't - he understood disbelief and doubt and could truly speak into the lives of others experiencing similar feelings.  I was still developing in my faith, and listening to Chris's stories and hearing him speak life into others impacted me greatly.  One night during worship, there were large sheets of paper taped to the walls with paints sitting on the floor underneath the paper.  We were asked to show an expression of our faith with the paints, and many students were dipping their hands into the various colors and were creating wonderful images of joy, beauty, and faith.  I watched as Chris painted something in green on one of the sheets of paper.  I took a closer look to find that his image was very simple, but it was one that would impact me for the rest of my life.  Above a hand print with a mark where a nail would be, he had written "it is finished."

Unfamiliar with the verse, I looked it up to find that it was from John 19:30.  "It is finished" were the last words Jesus spoke before he died on the cross.  After reading this, I felt like I understood the sacrifice Jesus made for me for the first time.  I wrote the verse on the inside of my bible and meditated on it for the rest of the week in Panama City and beyond.  Three years later, I sat in a tattoo shop in Jacksonville, North Carolina, with three of my friends and got the verse tattooed on my foot as a permanent reminder of how that mission trip changed my life and helped me read and understand scripture in a way I never had before.

I got my second tattoo during my second year of graduate school.  Justin and I had just gotten married and we were on our honeymoon in Chicago.  We had both talked about commemorating our marriage in some way and creating a tangible representation of our commitment to one another, but we had a hard time deciding on a design.  We knew we wanted the date we started dating, the date we got engaged, and the date we got married, but we each wanted to customize ours with a saying or image unique to our relationship and couldn't decide on what to get.  When we got back from our honeymoon, I had a "light bulb" moment and knew exactly what I wanted.

Justin and I got these tattoos at Marvel Tattoo in South Bend, Indiana.

A friend had gotten Justin and I a painting as a wedding gift with some words in Spanish across the top.  It said "hasta que la muerte nos separe," which translates to "until death do us part."  I decided to get that under the dates and Justin decided to get some of the lyrics to one of our favorite songs under the dates along with some Celtic designs.  Both of us have our "wedding" tattoos on our shoulder/back area, and I love having it as a reminder of the commitment Justin and I made together in marriage as husband and wife.

The next tattoo I got was last summer, and it was completely spontaneous (even though I had had the idea for awhile).  Fall 2014 was a chaotic time for Justin and I.  I had applied to a PhD program in Bowling Green, Ohio, and Justin was applying to jobs in that area.  When he was in the middle of the interview process for a position, I was often anxious about the future and a potential move.  I had a playlist on my iPod that I would listen to when I was feeling anxious, and it included songs like "I Need You" by Matt Maher and "Thrive" by Casting Crowns.  I loved the line "we know we were made for so much more than ordinary lives, it's time for us to more than just survive, we were made to thrive" from the Casting Crowns song.  I would listen to this over and over and remind myself that God had a plan for us to thrive and that he wasn't going to leave us empty-handed.

I also got this one at Marvel Tattoo in South Bend, Indiana.  The same artist who did my "marriage" tattoo did this one!

Justin got the job, we moved to Ohio, and I got accepted into the PhD program.  I was worried and anxious for nothing - God had provided and had reminded me to have faith in his plan.  I always wanted to get the word "thrive" tattooed as a reminder of God's provision, but I kept putting it off.  During Memorial Day weekend 2015, Justin and I decided to take a trip back to South Bend to see some friends and go to some of our old favorite places.  One day, we decided to go to Three Oaks and New Buffalo, Michigan.  We used to love going to Lake Michigan, so it was a great feeling to be standing in the sand overlooking the lake in New Buffalo.  We saw some people climbing out to a watchtower over a long stretch of rocks and we decided to check it out.  Leaving our shoes and belongings behind, we made the trek over the rocks to the tower.  It was difficult and a bit scary at times, but we made it.  (For more on this trip, see my post titled Road Trip).

We conquered the rocks!

Once we got to the watchtower, I was a little disappointed.  Since I was 17, I have had four orthopedic surgeries on my hand to fix an injury I sustained during a softball game in high school.  The various surgeries have left me with a titanium plate, rod, and several screws in my hand (and a nasty scar).  I am not able to play softball anymore and some of my regular activities have changed because one of the joints in my hand is completely fused.  (For more on this, see my post titled What I Learned from Orthopedic Surgery).  As I looked up at the watchtower with its narrow ladder of very short pegs, I thought my journey out over the rocks was for nothing and that I wouldn't be able to get to the top.

The hardware that was placed during my latest surgery in July 2013.

This sums up the saga of my hand injury.

The infamous ladder.

I gave it a try anyway (I didn't want that long, treacherous hike to be for nothing) and surprised myself.  Not only did I make it up to the watchtower, but I also made it back down without slipping or hurting myself.  I had had to give up things in the years following my surgeries, but I made it up and down that ladder with ease.  I was so happy and proud of my body - I felt invincible.  Without even thinking, I told Justin we needed to get tattoos.  I wanted my "thrive" tattoo - God had brought me/us through a lot, and I/we had come out on the other side victorious.  The culmination of the last half of 2014 and the first half of 2015 brought me to the tattoo shop (the same one where Justin and I had gotten our marriage tattoos) and I finally got it done (and Justin got a tattoo, as well).  I added the arrow to the design to show that we always need to be looking forward and not to the past and that God will bring us through the trials we face.

Justin and I at the top of the watchtower overlooking Lake Michigan!

I got my final (and most recent) tattoo this past weekend.  This is by far the biggest tattoo I've gotten and the one I put the most planning and thought into.  For the past couple years, I've wanted to get a typewriter tattoo as a representation of my love of literature and writing (and antiques).  More recently, the typewriter would represent my work during my doctoral studies, my eventual PhD in English, and my goal to teach creative writing to college students.  After almost two years of thinking and looking through typewriter designs online, I finally had an image in mind.

I got this one at Broadwing Tattoo in Bowling Green, Ohio.

I set up an appointment, showed my artist my design during our consultation, she drew it up, and I sat for three-and-a-half hours as she tattooed my typewriter.  The typewriter in the tattoo is actually the same design as the first typewriter I ever got, a gift from my husband after I got out of grad school.  I chose to do the typewriter in blue because I recently visited the typewriter of one of my favorite authors, Kurt Vonnegut, while in Indianapolis, Indiana.  His Smith-Corona typewriter was blue and it was what produced so many of his brilliant works, so I wanted the typewriter to be "Vonnegut blue."  I loved the design of the flowers, but I also see them as representing creativity and growth as a writer and an artist.  I absolutely love how this tattoo came out, but it was by far the most painful tattoo I've ever gotten (followed by my foot tattoo, then the one on the inside of my arm, and then the one on my shoulder/back)!

I love having these tattoos as reminders of where I came from and where I am now.  My tattoos remind me of faith, of commitment, and of God's great plan, provision, and grace.  Will I get any more tattoos?  We will just have to wait and see. 

Moving On

In July of 2014, I began applying to a PhD program at Bowling Green State University in Bowling Green, Ohio.  My husband and I were living in Indiana at the time, so he began looking for jobs in the Toledo area in anticipation of my acceptance.  He ended up getting his dream job as the youth director of a church near Toledo (for more on this story, check out my blog post called How We Ended Up in Ohio).  We moved in November 2014 and I found out I was accepted to the PhD program in April 2015.  God had truly blessed our journey to Ohio.

We later learned that the church had been under financial stress since (and probably before) Justin and I arrived (although we didn't know the extent of the financial difficulties until recently).  The issues have continued to get worse and, as a result, the church made the decision to eliminate their children's director and youth director positions.  After about 15 months at the church, Justin was without a job.  (However, God has blessed us immensely and allowed Justin to begin a position in the youth program at a different church the day after his last day at the previous church!)

Justin and I are sad that we had to leave the students at the church who have become like family to us.  We've shared meals with these kids, listened to their stories, gotten to know them, shared mission trip experiences with them.  We truly care about them, and it has been hard to leave when we feel like we had just gotten integrated.

But now that Justin is no longer employed by the church, I can honestly say that I am not sad we are gone.  The job we thought would be Justin's "dream job" turned out to be very different than we had hoped.  I have no doubt in my mind that God purposefully brought us to that church, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I am glad we have moved on.

Our experience at that church started out as an uphill battle.  As one of very few young couples in the congregation, my husband and I were constantly judged and complained about.  These judgements came in the form of complaints to the staff.  I once volunteered to serve communion at the Christmas Eve service when someone didn't show up for their post.  Someone later complained that "I didn't do it right."  My husband once wore a shirt to church that read "I Love My Wife."  Someone complained that the shirt was "inappropriate."  Justin once had his hands in his pockets during the church service.  Someone complained to the leadership that "he shouldn't worship with his hands in his pockets."  I always thought worshiping God was a personal experience - something unique to each person.  Apparently this isn't a universal belief.

My husband also served on the worship team as the only drummer in the congregation, very rarely having a week off from serving.  This was completely voluntary and he gave up time with family every Thursday night to practice and got up early every Sunday morning to play with the band.  Justin's volunteering was met with numerous complaints about how his "drumming was too loud" and a staff member even said "if he's going to drum that loud, I'm not going to stay at this church."  He often drummed with his shoes off so he could get a feel for the drum pedals, and this was also met with rude comments and complaints.  People were quick to judge without getting to know us.

The senior leadership at the church proved to be extremely difficult.  While my husband was the youth director, he was constantly micromanaged to the point where he had no control over what happened in the youth program.  The senior pastor would often sit in the back of the room during the middle school youth group meetings and interrupt him while he was teaching and undermine his authority.  The senior pastor once even said "get to the point" while Justin was on stage speaking during a Sunday morning service.

His middle school leaders proved to be less than helpful and wouldn't interact with the students.  This left Justin feeling overwhelmed in the middle school ministry.  A family (father, mother, and adult daughter) served as "volunteers" with the middle school program, and I witnessed on several occasions where they would sit in the back of the room (despite Justin asking them to sit with the kids), talking and playing on their cell phones, being disruptive, and not helping Justin with the rowdy group of kids.  Did I mention the father of this family was part of the senior leadership at the church?  No one in that family ever spoke a word to me, ignoring me completely and often leaving right after the middle school youth group without acknowledging Justin, saying goodbye, or asking how they could help with cleanup.  The wife of one of our senior leadership members volunteered with the high school ministry, but would be on her cell phone during the entire youth group meeting, not interacting with or talking to any of the students or leaders. 

Anytime a situation arose where Justin needed the support of the senior leadership, they would be quick to "throw him under the bus" without discussing the issue with him first.  There was no loyalty or unity among the staff members, so Justin was often on his own.  After making some changes to the confirmation program at the church, an upset parent (who was also on the council at the church and from the same family as the middle school youth "volunteers") called Justin on his office phone.  I walked into his office to pick him up for lunch and witnessed the parent screaming at my husband through the phone.  This kind of behavior was not uncommon at the church; instead of talking things out, members of the congregation were quick to judge, complain, and condemn.   This behavior was brought to the attention of the senior leadership just to have them take the side of the angry parent.

I never felt welcomed at that church.  I dreaded Sunday mornings when I would walk into the church and awkwardly stand around until the service started.  The only people who ever spoke to me were a few of the kids from the youth program, the three adult leaders who served in the youth program, and some parents of the kids.  No one really tried to get to know us.  After Justin and I had been at the church for 6 months, it was brought up to the senior pastor that there should have been a "get-to-know-you" event so the church could get to know us.  The pastor then scheduled an event where very few people showed up.

This event was scheduled on the same day as my little brother's senior night for baseball, an event that was important to me and that I promised him we would be at.  As this required us driving back to Indiana, I asked Justin if he could talk to the pastor about rescheduling for the following Sunday.  I listened to the conversation on speakerphone as the pastor told Justin that "it would be too much of a pain to change it" and that "my priorities weren't in order if I was choosing my family over my church family."  I was appalled.  Justin and I have two vehicles, an older one and a newer one.  As I have to commute to school each day, I often drive the newer, more reliable vehicle.  The senior pastor was once bold enough to tell Justin that I shouldn't get used to driving the newer vehicle, implying that the "man of the family" should be entitled to the newer, nicer vehicle.  A close friend of mine at the church also witnessed the senior pastor yelling at his wife in public.  These instances, among others, made me question whether the senior pastor had any respect for women.  My husband also witnessed the senior pastor making racist comments on several occasions.

Last November, my cousin Rachel passed away at the age of 25.  In the midst of my family's grief, the church knew about the situation and didn't reach out.  Justin was in Indiana for graduate school when this took place, so I was alone and no one from the church tried to contact me.  The pastor even gave Justin a hard time about taking time off for the funeral.  When Justin returned to work on Tuesday, the pastor said he would have given Justin an extra day off if he would have "communicated better about the situation."  Instead, we went to Indiana for one day to turn around and hurry back so Justin could be back for work.  This didn't just affect my husband, if affected me and my family in a very fragile time.

Last summer, Justin was so sick that he had been vomiting for days.  On a Saturday, there was a youth event and Justin called the senior pastor to let him know he couldn't make it.  The pastor responded by telling him he needed to be there, no matter what.  Justin ended up in the hospital due to this illness, and all the pastor could say was get to the church as soon as possible.  No one in senior leadership offered to visit Justin at the hospital.  There was no compassion or love in that place.

When the church began experiencing extreme financial difficulties, Justin approached the senior pastor about having the staff fast and pray together about the issues.  The senior pastor ignored the idea, then presented it as his own idea the following week at the staff meeting.  Since the senior pastor acted like he didn't want to do the fast the week before, Justin began fasting/praying with a mentor in the church.  They did the Daniel Fast (which is essentially vegan with no sugar) together for 10 days.  The senior pastor started fasting/praying as well and announced to the church that he was doing it (even though fasting is supposed to be a private matter), but he continued to eat what he wanted, even encouraging other members of the staff to break their fast and go get fast food with him.  A few days after the fast started for the senior pastor, I saw him eating meat and desserts when I stopped in to pick Justin up from the church.  There was no honesty, transparency, or commitment with the senior leadership.

One of the aspects of this senior leadership that bothered me the most was their attitude toward Justin's education.  When Justin interviewed for the job, he was very clear and up-front that he was still in graduate school in Indiana and would have to periodically travel back to Indiana for classes (the structure of the program only required him to be present at the college in-person 2-3 times per semester).  Every time he needed to go back to Indiana for class, his request was met with disdain and complaints.  The senior leadership put no value on Justin's education, even though it was a masters in ministry degree that was helping him be better at his job.  The church made him take vacation days when he would need to travel for school, so at the end of the year, he had no remaining vacation days.  When Justin would put in a request for a class, the senior pastor would respond with comments like "you have to go again?" and "when will this be over?"  The senior pastor even mentioned to Justin once that "he better not be using office time for homework."  Last semester, Justin was getting ready to go back to Indiana for his final class of the year.  The senior pastor was so mad that he had to cover the middle school ministry while Justin was gone that he sent Justin and email requesting a laundry list of unnecessary tasks and items before he left, including a list of names with a biography of every student in the middle school group (even though the senior pastor had been serving in the middle school ministry for awhile and was a small group leader).  When Justin asked why he needed all that information even though he had never requested it before, the senior pastor responded with "just do what I say."  I always thought the senior leadership would value Justin's higher education and appreciate that he was furthering himself and trying to become better at his job, but I was very much mistaken.

There is so much more I could say, but I don't have the time or the energy to record it all here.  I have kept quiet for the entirety of Justin's employment at the church because I didn't want to jeopardize his job.  However, I felt like these things needed to be said.  And, as I always say, writing is therapeutic for me.

So, Justin and I are no longer a part of that church, and it really has been a positive transition for us.  I have no respect for a church that would allow senior leadership to treat people the way my husband and I were treated.  In my opinion, the church is going through extreme financial hardship because so many people have left the congregation due to the senior leadership in the church being offensive, hurtful, unkind, and not "practicing what they preach."  I have never seen such terrible leadership in my entire life.  It's astounding the awful things that people do, and have done, in the name of God.

When Justin and I moved to Ohio, we were a young, newly-married couple just getting the hang of "adult life."  We uprooted our family to move to a new state for the job.  We were apprehensive about this big step and new experience, and our fears came true - we were met with judgement and unkindness at the new church.  AT A CHURCH!  A church is where God's people are supposed to come together, to help each other, to be united.  But we were ignored and judged.  How would the senior leadership want their young adult children to be treated at a church, at God's house?  I can't imagine they would want them to be treated like we were.

The only thing I can do is pray that God heals the church.  I pray only the best for the church, and I truly hope that God intervenes and saves it from the financial crisis it is going through.  I will pray for healing for Justin and I as we integrate into this new church congregation.  This transition has not been easy, but just as coming to Ohio was a blessing, I truly feel that our transition out of the church has also a blessing.

We still feel God calling us to ministry, and we will stay in Ohio until I've completed my program at Bowling Green.  I'm excited to see what God has in store for us in the coming years.

God is good all the time.
All the time God is good.